Ever since I can remember I've been using writing to process life. I sat in trees listening to mix tapes and writing poetry. I hid journals under mattresses and wrote letters to everyone I loved. I have always been someone who has felt deeply and who has sought to uncover life's meaning. My heart bled for strangers before I knew what an empath was.
I felt the longing of my soul constantly pulling me, but I didn't know what it meant or what to do with it. I tried to use my mind to figure it out, and when I didn't get anywhere I shoved the feelings away. I was often stuck in my head, confused, and frustrated.
I SPENT MOST OF MY LIFE TRAPPED WITHIN MYSELF.
Because I didn’t know how to listen to my intuition or process my emotions properly, I decided to ground myself in the world by emulating qualities I liked. I wanted to be strong, confident, outgoing, and independent. So I became those things. Or I should say I pretended to be those things because to be those things required me to face some stuff I was not yet prepared to face.
I was too busy playing dress up to sit with the truth that I was terrified that who I really was wasn't good enough for anyone. I wasted so much time living in my head. I questioned everything I said and did always afraid I had made the wrong move. I stayed with boyfriends who were clearly wrong for me for far too long. I was deeply insecure and lost but told the world I was strong and confident.
You Can Only Hide For So Long
Pieces started to fall around me. I was flailing in my career. Money wasn't flowing. I was picking fights with my boyfriend. I didn't like my living situation. Deep inside I felt this horrible feeling like I wasn't living the life I was here to live.
Looking back I can see a very clear path at that time in my life. Every aspect of my life was unfolding and pointing me onto that path. I began to pick up on it and started to move forward, and I met my greatest teacher: my own breath. I was lead to begin a Breathwork practice and since that day my life has never been the same.
At the time I remember thinking, "How the hell is breathing going to change my life?" Oh, but it did. It dramatically did. This breathing technique was not about relaxation. It was about healing. It was about opening my heart. It was about discovering myself. And that's what I did.
who i am now
Writing about my past feels like another lifetime. And it kind of is. I'm now a Breathwork teacher, mentor, writer, and Desire Map facilitator. Every aspect of my life has transformed. But most importantly, now I love every ounce of me.
I can be seen by others without shrinking myself down. I don’t worry about what other people think about me. I don't worry about trying to do it all right because there is no such thing as a right way. I trust myself to make the choices that are best for my life, and I don’t spend my energy questioning myself afterward. I’ve developed a healthy balance between using my mind and my heart.
Don't let this lead you to believe that my life is pain-free. I went through a terrible heartbreak this year, but my growth has allowed me to learn tremendously from it. I worked on keeping my heart open. I took the time to heal, as long as it needed. I paid close attention to the wounds the pain was pointing to. I took deep care of myself, like I work to do every day.
I DON'T THINK IT'S IMPORTANT TO LOOK DEEPLY INWARD, I THINK IT'S NECESSARY.
It's necessary if you want to relieve your anxiety, if you want to let go of your pain, if you want to accept yourself, if you want to feel any bit better than you do right now. Turning inward and walking straight through the pain you're hiding from is the only path to true happiness.
This path of looking inward is challenging because of the deep feelings we’ve suppressed and need to process. It’s challenging because the ego is hella strong and will do anything it can to dupe us into taking the easy route.
If you’re reading this and you’re struggling in the depths of darkness or you know you’re not living the life that is meant for you take a look at my offerings. This life is not an easy path, but I promise you that if you show up to do the work and if you face it all wholeheartedly, what is on the other side is so worth it.
If you made it all the way here I'm giving you a heartfelt thank you right now. If you haven't signed up for my free gift yet, get it right here. If you're on top of that already, I'd love to have you join me in one of my workshops, courses, or one-on-one programs. Most of my work is done virtually so you can live anywhere in the world.