Letting Go Of Love
This past week has been challenging for me. This morning I woke up depressed. Yesterday I woke up depressed. And I’m going to be even more honest with you:
It sucks, and I hate it.
I’m tired of feeling heartbroken. I'm tired of the depression. I am done, done, done. So ready to just be done.
But I'm not done.
I want so badly to just let go of this love.
I thought I did. Well, mostly. I'm putting in the work to heal. I'm making progress. I have so many incredible things going on in my life. I love my life, and I love myself. I was finally coming out of the darkness that has engulfed me these past few months.
And then I bumped into my ex boyfriend in a yoga class. I'm in downward dog, peering between my legs when I spot him. I know, like a freakin' scene out of a movie. In a one moment it seemed like all of the progress I had made evaporated. Later, when he approached me, I felt all of my love for him come rushing back, and I felt all of the pain. The emotions were overwhelming, and I went home for a good cry. (Ok, ok, I started crying in the car. Grief has no boundaries.)
For most of us letting go is not a one time thing.
We have to do it over and over again. When you've cried a million tears, hugged yourself and given yourself love over and over again, when you've purged every last ounce of your pain, only then will it be time to let go.
Sometimes we need to give ourselves a little pep talk to remind ourselves that it's ok to let go. That we're ready. That we've cried enough, loved ourselves enough, and purged enough. So right now I’m going to the be Tough Love Mama for you if you need it.
When are you going to let the pain be enough? When are you going to release the strong grip you’re holding your delicate heart with? When are you going to release the pain? All of the pain. Not some of it.
No one is coming to save you.
Be honest with yourself. There’s one little thread of hope you’ve been allowing to linger. No one is going to make you feel better. No one is going to fill the wound that you won’t allow to heal. If you try to fill it with someone else’s love or some substance it will only create a thin cover waiting to burst open again one day.
Heal now. Do the work now. Let it go now. Now is the time. Your life is precious. It’s here right now, and you have no idea for how long it will continue to be so. It’s here now, and you get to choose how you show up in this world. You get to choose who it is you want to be.
Who do you want to be?
I want to be the woman who has faith. Who trusts in life. Who knows that everything is always ok. I want to be the person who releases the pain that’s not serving her. I want to be courageous enough to forgive and brave enough to love even more deeply than the last time.
I want to be strong enough to let go. So I need to do it. Every last bit of it. Over and over again until it’s done.
That means I don’t let my mind linger on thoughts that don’t serve me. It means I let the feelings be what they are but keep acting as the person I want to be in this world. Those two steps combined have the power to shift your emotional state, but even if they don’t, let it be ok.
You are the only person standing in the way of the life you want. Take the details out of the story. What do you really want? Love, joy, laughter, purpose, adventure. Whatever your words are, let yourself have them and don’t be attached to the packages they come in.
When the tears stop, you've comforted the hell out of yourself, and you feel light again, take a deep breath and step back. See your life and your worth. Slide one step to the right and let your soul take the reigns. It's time to let go.